Goals

Have you ever spent $120,000 (plus interest) on higher education and then decided that you don't want to practice the profession you paid so much to get into? I started out my freshman year as a communications major, and now, with a Humanities BA and a Master of Arts in Teaching under my belt, I wish I'd stuck with it. I'm grateful to my BA for interdisciplinary thinking it introduced me to, for the philosophy, the history, and the literature. Unfortunately, there are only two or three classes (in addition to my student teaching) that I recall being vaguely useful in my graduate program.

Now, why did I spend so much money on school? My parents wanted me to attend a Seventh-day Adventist university (read: private AND expensive) and I blindly agreed. Blindly as in I chose not to research my options. My parents went to college in the 70's and recall being able to pay for an entire year of school off of one summer's earnings. They seemed to think my experience would be the same. When I worked summers, one summer's worth of work would barely cover one half of a quarter at the university I attended (and that would mean spending NONE of said money). My parents, being registered nurses, also found work immediately out of college. I'm not even sure that they owed any money. So, with this blithe understanding they sent me on my way with nary a word of caution until after they'd cosigned several loans and I was in neck-deep.

The summer I marched across the stage and received my BA diploma-holder (I still had several directed reading courses to finish) was the beginning of a vicious depression spiral. I had no idea how I would earn a living wage with a Humanities degree. I repeatedly postponed my directed reading and got a job at Staples. My parents augmented my meager income so I could stay afloat, but sadly, staying afloat included getting so drunk that I broke some teeth out (incurring a $3500 hospital bill that I managed to get waived) and then getting engaged to the wrong man.

Once engaged to "the" wrong man who was attending the very university I'd graduated from, all my student loans began kicking in. Living on about $1000 a month I was in no position to even conceive of paying them; I started talking to my old professors about possible careers and one of them threw out the idea of teaching. "Well," I thought to myself, "that sounds like something I could do." Because my husband had two years of school left it fit perfectly as it would take me the same amount of time to complete the teaching masters program. So, just as blithely as my parents directed me to get my first degree, I blithely marched into my second.

And here I am. Life is an open book waiting for me to write upon its pages (to borrow a poor metaphor) but I worry that I've mucked up the beginning so much (at least career-wise) that the rest is unsalvageable. I'm a substitute teacher who loathes a great majority of the students she meets. There are scarcely any teaching jobs available and even if there were, the thought of being stuck in a classroom, day after day, makes me feel stifled, cornered, trapped! I want to be around adults! I want to work with intelligent, knowledge-seeking ADULTS. Well, crud.

I want to scream from the rooftops....

I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD.

http://theoaklandpress.com/articles/2010/03/04/news/doc4b8f8f4ce2e91955366818.txt

Go to the link above, read the article, and then read all the comments people have left. I'm tired of feeling like I have to hide my beliefs; I once was substitute teaching in a class where we were discussing philosophy. Someone asked me what I believed, and I mentioned evolution and atheism. At the end of the class, a very cute, kind Russian girl tried to proselytize me. She seemed so incredibly concerned about my spiritual fate. I just felt bad for her. She seemed so scared.

Tonight at dinner

My parents are in town this weekend and they stayed with my brother, his wife, and their daughter. My parents and brother are all Seventh-day Adventist; I am the lone member of this family unit to have strayed from righteousness. This, as you can imagine, has led to some interesting (read: awkward) interactions. I tend to avoid the plague-ridden religion topic at all costs and to bite my tongue when it comes up on their end. I usually love to join in with a discussion, but tonight I found myself sitting mute and lonely once again as they began to speak of life as they know it.

I can't even remember how this came up, but my dad launched it with the words, "Ellen White said..." If you are unfamiliar with Adventist culture, Ellen White is the (now deceased) prophetess of the church. She had many miraculous visions that she transcribed into such magnificent tomes such as "The Great Controversy" and "Steps to Christ" (the former being the one my Norwegian great-grandfather bought from a colporteur many years ago. I just have to wonder, how did the damn colporteur make it all the way out to my great-grandpappy's dairy farm in rural Alberta? Or rather, WHY did he???).

A fact that the Adventist church is open about is that Ellen White was severely injured as an adolescent by being hit in the head with a rock. Yes, you read that right. She was hit in the head with a rock. Yes, the Adventist church is aware of it. Yes, they sanction her visions as being from God.

So, back to my dad. When my dad launched into his comment with the dreaded words, "Ellen White said," I was prepared for the worst. My dad proceeded to explain how Ellen White had written that the antediluvians had had IQs ranging into the thousands, how their culture had been remarkably advanced, and how they'd lived to be hundreds of years old. My brother chimed in something about the "de-evolution" of mankind since that time. My father chuckled and agreed.

OK, if you're reading this and have never heard the word "antediluvian" you may be lost. Here is a link to the Wikipedia explanation: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antediluvian .

I don't even know how to describe my feelings of powerlessness sitting with these people that I love but wondering HOW THE HELL they could POSSIBLY believe this shit.

MY THOUGHTS AS I'M SITTING THERE:

Thought #1 - How did Ellen White know so much about this lost "antediluvian" culture? Was she a learned historian? Also, did she have a strong science background? (No and NO).

Thought #2 - How come we haven't found any fossils of these amazingly tall antediluvian men and women?

Thought #3 - Why haven't we found any sign of the magnificent cities they must have built? (Oh right, the FLOOD wiped out all signs of those, along with the fossils).

Thought #4 - I love my dad so much, but I am really embarrassed that he believes this. He's a smart man, but he just can't seem to think rationally about this.

Thought #5 - I think my dad's "rationale" is fucking nuts, but he thinks my "rationale" is fucking nuts.

Why I'm here...

I have three main reasons why I am deciding to blog:

1. I need a place to vent. A self-therapy as it were.

2. I can't voice many of my true opinions on Facebook because my "friends" will not understand.

3. I was raised a Seventh-day Adventist, but I have left the church.

These reasons are certainly not disparate; they are intertwined to a degree that makes me cringe. I spend much too much time thinking about this stuff, so I've decided to vomit all this thought-junk into the cosmic Internet void! Here goes nothing...